


Bundle of Joy

by onkoona



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Community: blind_go, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-07
Updated: 2011-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-22 08:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onkoona/pseuds/onkoona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay... This was so not what he had asked for, when he'd pleaded with the gods, yet again, to give him his Sai back. Now with a second chapter! soft yaoi Sai/Hikaru complete</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (Much thanks to FlitShadowflame for ace beta-ing!)

(Much thanks to FlitShadowflame for ace beta-ing!)

 **Bundle of Joy**

Okay... This was so not what he had asked for, when he'd pleaded with the gods, yet again, to give him his Sai back.

'Hikaru! Hikaru!' The little hand attached itself to his trouser leg, proving that even little kids had some considerable strength - or that grown up boys really should wear belts - by pulling the pro player's pants a good 4 inches downwards, so that Hikaru had to hastily hoist them up again, so as to prevent the neighborhood from seeing him in his boxers. He deftly caught the little hands before they could have another go at his clothing and squatted down to the tyke's level in order to have a good look at him.

The child was - at the young pro's best estimate - about 4 years old, with straight black hair just below his shoulders, no bangs. He had the palest skin Hikaru had ever seen but it was the color of the merrily inquisitive eyes that clinched it; they were very dark, but clearly purple when the light him them just so. As they had always been, as Hikaru remembered them; they were Sai's.

Hikaru had been the one nearest the front door when the door bell had rung not 10 minutes earlier. So he has shouted 'I'll get it!' in the direction of the kitchen - where his mother was going 5 rounds with yet another French recipe, her latest hobby; trying out non-Japanese foods.

Once he'd opened the front door and had found no one at his eye level, he had naturally looked down for a parcel delivery or some such. Instead he had found the little boy, wearing a purple yukata with big white butterflies, looking up at him with a huge smile.

And the boy was Sai, there could be no mistake, more especially because he kept repeating 'Hikaru! Hikaru!'

For a long moment the 15-(and a half)-year-old Go player just held the little hands in his and looked full in the little boy's face while trying to order his thoughts. The purple-eyed child's gaze did not falter but stayed alert throughout, and he stayed silent too, as though he knew Hikaru desperately needed time to think.

 _How was this possible? How could Sai be here? How could he be so young? Where had he been? How did he get here? Who'd brought him? This is a dream, isn't it? Or a nightmare? No, definitely a delusion. This cannot be real, can it?_ Endless questions danced through his head so fast he could hardly follow them, much less consider answers for them.

In the end his arms did his thinking for him, when they gathered the small body to his chest and he tucked his head in the tiny hollow between the little child's head and shoulder. Sai was here and he really couldn't care less how or why.

~(O)~

Of course that was only the beginning of problems, for it soon became clear that a 4 year old arriving out of nowhere was just not the done thing in the modern world! Hikaru's mother made him call in the police, certain that some family was in dire straits over their missing son. There wasn't much Hikaru could say against that; the truth being impossible to believe. So the police came and asked little Sai his name and where he came from, which the boy truthfully answered with 'Fujiwara no Sai' and 'Heian-Kyo'. And then the boy blithely said, 'But I belong to Hikaru,' and kept that up far longer than the policeman had patience.

The upshot was that Sai was taken to child services. No amount of pleading on Hikaru's part, and after a while his mother's part, could change the child services officer's mind. The law was the law.

They looked for little Sai's family, of course, but Hikaru already knew there could be no one. Imagine his shock when someone did show up. And imagine his relief when the child services officer, getting suspicious, had a DNA test done that proved that the man was no relation of Sai's whatsoever.

Hikaru applied for a license to adopt Sai, but was turned down; he was too young. He begged and pleaded with his parents but as reluctantly indulgent as they had been with his Go playing, they put their foot down firmly; this child was none of their concern, let the state take care of him.

And so the state did; Sai was placed in a small orphanage for children from 3-10 years old. And Hikaru was shattered.

Young Sai took it all in his stride; he was a happy kid and everybody loved him on sight. But when anyone ever asked him if he wanted to be adopted or fostered he would tell them, 'No, thank you, I belong to Hikaru'.

~(O)~

The moment that Sai was placed in the orphanage, Hikaru started visiting. He was allowed to come on the weekend and one afternoon in the week proper. Hikaru availed himself of all the allotted time, every week without fail. Little Sai was always delighted to see Hikaru, and Hikaru found that the small orphanage was, while not as good as a real family, a pretty homey place.

They would play Go, of course, and while Sai's tiny hands had trouble holding the stones and his arms were a little short to reach across the board, his true Go ability was fully there. Hikaru pretty quickly got used to losing to the diminutive Go genius. It was like old times really.

What was different was that Sai made some friends of his own age in the home. The most important of these was little Keiko, a mousy girl with knock-knees and eyes twice too big for her face hidden behind steel rimmed glasses. Sai had taught her to play Go - she was not bad for a 5 year old - but they also played 'hide and seek' and 'I spy with my little eye' and 'kick the ball' and, of course, 'tag'. And Sai made Hikaru take part in all these games, which he did at first reluctantly, but later enjoyed as much as they did.

It was after a few weeks that Hikaru asked the orphanage director, a Mrs. Tachibana - known to the kids as Nana-san - if he could take out Sai for a trip to the fairground, for he had passed by one on his way to the station and it had a big Ferris wheel, which he had told Sai about. He was refused. Reason: too young and too inexperienced handling kids. Hikaru got really mad, and rather pissily demanded what it would take to get permission. Nana-san told him point blank she would not let any of her children out with anybody who did not have the right child care qualifications. Hikaru stormed out swearing that he would GET those qualifications. And 8 weeks later he was back, slamming a signed Certificate of 'Child Care Proficiency, 3-7 year olds' on her desk.

He took Sai, Keiko and a skinny little boy called Toto (Hikaru assumed that was a nickname) for a ride on the kiddy roller coaster, since the Ferris wheel had long since moved on.

As he sat with the kids in the mini steam train, whizzing at moderate speed along the track, he looked over at Sai who was having a whale of a time. Yes, those 8 weeks of sacrificing two weekdays a week, sitting in that clinical school room, memorizing cleanliness regimes and dietary requirements had all been worth it, just to see his Sai so happy.

~(O)~

From the weekend after Hikaru had acquired the ability to 'spring' his ex-ghostly companion from his not-so-much-of-a-prison, Hikaru took him to every reputable Go club in the greater Tokyo area. Also to the Touya club, where they met, inevitably, first Touya junior and not much later Touya senior. And, of course, Sai played the Mejin, and very nearly won again; the difference between them was still half a /moku/.

The retired Go master took Hikaru aside after the game and demanded answers. The man wasn't stupid, he knew his arithmetic, and he came up with, 4-year-old boy minus 1-and-a-half years equals a 2-and-a-half-year-old boy. This Sai he had just played would have been 2-and-a-half years old at the time of that fated internet game. And he would have been a year younger at the time SAI had appeared on NetGo during that summer full of games, one of which Akira had played. The older man demanded an explanation but Hikaru kept his eyes straight forward and his mouth shut. This was something he had plenty of experience with and he would not falter now.

After a lengthy, but silent, battle of wills, it was Touya that relented. With an, 'As long as I get to play him, what does it matter?' he let go of his questions. Hikaru heaved a sigh of relief. He really hadn't looked forward to having to tell little Sai - who was now happily decimating Akira's black battlements with his white warriors - that they would not be able to come again.

~(O)~

Hikaru was now a fixture on Wednesday afternoons and Saturdays at the orphanage, occasionally bringing friends. (Little Sai had even managed to entice Akira to a game of hide and seek. Hikaru had been flabbergasted by the sight of Akira trying to squeeze into one of the hall lockers. Oh, how he had wished for a camera phone at that point!)

But even though he had little Sai in his life and loved the little scamp, he found he missed his Sai, the grown up ghost.

When Hiraku arrived that very first day at the orphanage he had, of course, brought some candy for Sai - who had more than a bit of sweet tooth. But saw quickly enough the look on the other kids' faces and next time, and every time after, he brought enough sweets and little toys for everyone.

And he started donating things. It had started off with wanting to get rid of those drab curtains in the play room and the bed room. In their place Hikaru organized bright curtains for every room in the place, giving each room a different vibrant color. Next he organized a drive for money for paint and labor for getting it on the uninspiring walls. And he did it all just to see those purple eyes light up with each improvement.

~(O)~

Sai was about 6 years old when someone - Waya? - suggested he should be enrolled into the insei program. It would make him the youngest insei ever and wouldn't that be cool?

Nana-san decidedly did not think so and vetoed the plan. But then Hikaru (and Akira and Waya) assured her that he would pay for any costs and he'd make sure Sai got there and back safely every Sunday and the occasional Saturday. And he'd make sure Sai's grades in school wouldn't suffer.

In the end Nana-san gave in, murmuring something about, 'He'll never pass anyway,' to herself.

Of course she was wrong and Sai did pass and so he became an insei. And he loved playing Go with so many new people. Hikaru stuck close to Sai on insei-days, for while Sai's ability at Go was all grown up, Sai himself was not, and a small boy like him might get trampled, figuratively if not actually.

When the time came for the pro-exams that year, Shinoda-sensei counseled against Sai taking part even though the boy was more than qualified. The sensei was worried at letting a boy that small Go pro. At first Hikaru was very angry, but after having lost two qualifying matches in a row himself - due to some vey grown up manipulation techniques on the part of his opponents, before and during each game, and not a greater ability in Go - Hikaru had to reluctantly agree; Sai was just too small.

Sai didn't seem mind in the least; he never seemed to be worried about anything but opportunities to play and Hikaru. And since he had both on regular basis, Sai was one happy 6 year old

~(O)~

After Sai had been an insei for over a year - and topped the 1st class, non-stop - he asked Hikaru if Keiko could be an insei too. Hikaru had been startled by the question. He had played Keiko of course, many times, but never had he considered that she might be interested. Now he did think about it he realized she was good enough, even if she was only 8. He got her an entrance test and sponsored her class attendance. Shinoda-sensei did tell him in private that he would not have let her in if Sai, a person of her own age, had not been there already. Hikaru resolved to look out for the youngest players from now on.

Keiko did well in class, moving at a slow but steady speed upward. She was no Go prodigy like Sai, but was methodical and studious and had a good eye for any opening as it arose on the board.

Keiko unfortunately had nothing much to offer in the looks department and was generally passed over on adoption days as too drab and lifeless, whereas Hikaru had learned over time (and Sai had known instantly) that she was just shy and thoughtful.

But on the annual adoption days there was just not enough time to show her good qualities. Now Sai had no problem getting adoption proposals, with his waist-long hair, exotic eyes and always happy disposition he was the first to be asked each year. But he turned them all down flat. And the one time that Nana-san insisted and let a couple take him home on a trial basis, Sai was brought back within six hours, without his cheery disposition. Nana-san didn't try again after that.

~(O)~

When Sai was nine he went to his last adoption day. This time it was he who chose the couple he would speak to, instead of the other way around as was the norm. He chose a serious-looking pair - he was a doctor, she a nurse - and talked to them at length. But he didn't talk about himself; he talked about his best friend Keiko. He talked about her ideas and her goals and her Go and about all they had shared. And then he introduced the couple to her. And stepped back and prayed.

Hikaru, who always came to adoption days to support Sai in whatever he chose, would sit in the play yard most of the day, in a corner behind the swings. Every year he had wanted to adopt little Sai, but for the first few he had been deemed too young and the last few times Sai had refused him saying, 'I'm not ready.'

Hikaru had respected that but Sai was already nine and the Go pro was starting to get anxious. Did Sai still want to belong to him? Had he changed his mind?

Sai had relocated to the other side of the play room so the Yamamotos could get to know Keiko. After about a half hour Mr. Yamamoto made his way back over to Sai, and the little ex-ghost started to worry. What if it didn't work this time? After this there would only be one more adoption day before Keiko would have to go to the big orphanage, and Sai knew she would never get adopted from there. His heart thumped in his chest as Mr. Yamamoto stopped in front of him. As the man started speaking, relief floated through him; the doctor only wanted to know what this /Go-insei/ business was and what it meant to want to be a Go-pro. Sai told him there was someone else who could explain it far better then he and he ran out to fetch him.

They yard was nearly empty, as it was overcast and a little chilly out, so Hikaru sat alone with his somber thoughts when Sai came running out towards him, sporting the biggest grin ever. Hikaru could not help but smile back, hoping that this meant Sai was finally ready.

It turned out it that had not been what had made Sai so happy but it had been the possible adoption of Keiko by the Yamamotos. Sai wanted his help with that and Hikaru was prepared to do anything Sai asked of him, if it made the boy so happy.

Hikaru talked for nearly an hour with Mr. Yamamoto, while Mrs. Yamamoto played with Keiko.

Yes, being a Go pro was a real job and it paid well. No, Go pros were not any more antisocial than anyone else that had a real career. Yes, she was keeping up her grades. No, being a girl in the Go world was not too much of a handicap. Yes, being an /insei/ costs money, but not too much more than good piano lessons. And so on.

In the end Mr. Yamamoto said yes to a trial and Mrs. Yamamoto was delighted. Nana-san was over the moon. And so was Sai, and that mattered most to Hikaru anyway.

~(O)~

After all the prospective parents had left the orphanage, it was time for the traditional clean up. Sai and Hikaru helped out as usual. When both were busy clearing the craft table Sai halted Hikaru with a touch on his sleeve.

'I think it's time for you to apply to foster me,' he said.

'But I want to adopt you!' Hikaru exclaimed. He felt inexplicably cold; why fostering?

'No, Hikaru,' Sai looked up into Hikaru's face. 'Foster me, please.' He lowered his head in a bow.

Hikaru did not understand why Sai insisted on being fostered, but if that was what he wanted Hikaru would do it, for Sai, anything.

Fostering meant he'd have to take another course and exam. And he'd have to be vetted, not that that was a problem; he'd been earning his own keep for many years now and had moved out of his parents house three years earlier - in a move to prepare for Sai's adoption - to a real house with a garden in the suburbs, instead of a flat in the center. Hikaru knew they'd want him to have a family home and not a bachelor pad. He also knew they'd prefer him to be married, but he couldn't go that far. And anyway, single parent adoptions were not unheard of. And, as Hikaru quickly found out, neither was a single parent fostering.

Before Fujiwara Sai's tenth birthday - which, for lack of information, had been set at May 5th; boy's day - he became officially fostered by Shindou Hikaru and moved in with him in his suburban house.

~(O)~

When the police first had looked for Sai's family, Hikaru had followed the proceedings closely. He had managed to acquaint himself with one of the forensic techs at the stations who was a Go fan, trading insider Go information for updates on the case. Having access to the latest equipment available, the tech had suggested that maybe little Sai might look like his father and if they took a picture of little Sai - which Hikaru just happened to have on hand - and age it up to an adult, they might use it to show to people. In the end the suggestion was ignored, and no one was found anyway, Hikaru knowing full well no one could be found.

The idea of aging up the photo stuck with Hikaru, however. He didn't have a likeness of Sai, the Heian ghost - one could not photograph a specter - and even though Hikaru really sucked at drawing, he had tried to draw Sai. But it was not the same.

A year or so later, after a regular routine had returned to his life, Hikaru took a new photo of little Sai and took it to private forensic firm that aged the portrait up, tweaked by Hikaru to get the desired result. Upon request, they were even willing to put Heian court clothing on the new portrait.

Hikaru ordered a big and a tiny print. The big one went into his desk drawer and the tiny one into his wallet.

~(O)~

Meanwhile, life had been good for both of them. Sai had become a pro at 10 and had taken his first title at 13 (the Juudan). He could have been faster than that but he had decided to just play in the /oteai/ for a year or two before trying for a title. Hikaru didn't do too badly either, he came as far as challenging level in many a tournament and managed to take the Gosei away from Ogata, who had an off day that day. Unfortunately Ogata was back in form the very next year and grabbed back his title. But the poor man could not take back the Juudan from the new child prodigy, and there was much talk of the most dreadful cussing being overheard in the hallway outside of the Juudan game room.

Because Sai was fostered and not adopted, his money was his own and in a rare uncharitable moment Hikaru thought that that had been the plan all along. Not that Hikaru needed the money, his job paid well and winning even a single title paid even better. The fostering fee Hikaru got from the government, small as it was, he donated straight to the orphanage. Seeing Sai grow up made the bad thoughts go away; the teen was generous to a fault – donating large sums to the orphanage and the Tokyo central orphan fund - and would have chipped in anytime had it been necessary, which it never had been nor would it be, if Hikaru had any say in the matter.

All in all life was pretty good, and it was only on the eve of each 5th of May that Hikaru took out the aged up picture of Sai as he had been, and thought thoughts he was not going to share with any one, ever.

~(O)~

Sai's 18th birthday had been an intimate affair shared with his current friends as each of his birthdays had been. It had been a slightly sad events as Shuu, Sai's high school buddy, was moving to America to join a prestigious art school on a full scholarship. Oddly enough it had been Touya Akira that had convinced the boy's father to let him develop his art skills some 4 years earlier. Now the young man would move half-way across the world and Hikaru could tell Sai was very upset about it.

The whole thing was made worse with the news that Keiko - now a 3-dan pro - had been invited to come to Korea for a year to teach Go there. So Sai would be without both his best friends for at least a year.

Hikaru had decided to give Sai an equal share in the house as a coming of age present. He knew it for the selfish thing it was; if Sai owned half the house he would be pushed to stay there.

Hikaru was no fool; he had heard of some of the tempting offers that had come the Go genius' way, among them at least one offer of a paid year abroad. Hikaru was desperate to prevent Sai from disappearing on him again, even if that disappearance would not be permanent.

~(O)~

In the weeks after Keiko and Shuu left the Shindou-Fujiwara house became quiet, like it was waiting for something, but Hikaru could not discern what. He went about his daily routine, as did Sai. Eat, sleep, play Go, feed the cat, pay the bills. Hikaru found himself looking at the manipulated photo almost every day now. This was Sai as he had been, while in the living room or the garden, Sai as is, sat reading or prepared for a game.

Hikaru realized the two now looked almost exactly the same. Sai at 18 was a little younger that Sai the ghost had been, but only a very little. Hikaru thought his secret thoughts again, and promised faithfully never to tell Sai. Ever.

~(O)~

It was a shock of sorts when the letter came, with its preprinted letterhead and official signature.

Hikaru had to read it twice to understand it fully; not unsurprisingly it contained the notice of the official end of Hikaru's tenure as Sai's foster parent. It further stated that Fujiwara Sai now was a full adult, independent of any government body, what so ever. It was the line about a change of abode that made Hikaru reread the letter more carefully. After some sweating Hikaru distilled from the government issue legalese, that it said that Sai was changing his official place of residence from 17 Sakura road, Tokyo, to 17 Sakura road, Tokyo. Hikaru let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding; Sai was not leaving after all. And the Go-pro berated himself for even momentarily thinking the ex-ghost might.

When that day, and the next week after, Sai didn't mention having received a similar letter, which Hikaru knew he must have, Hikaru decided not to mention the matter, one way or another, hoping that the status quo would be preserved.

~(O)~

Then one morning a big parcel arrived. Not a totally uncommon occurrence in that house, what was uncommon was that it had been addressed to Sai, who signed for it, and the teen had quickly absconded with it, upstairs to his bed room.

Hikaru didn't think any more of it and continued clearing the breakfast things off the coffee table and started to set up their Goban as both had the day off from work.

Sai's usual morning dressing time was always a little on the long side; he had that hair to comb out and tie after all, so Hikaru was not surprised when he had to wait a good half hour for the young man to appear. That was one reason they always had breakfast first before dressing. Another was that Sai could get incredibly grumpy if he wasn't fed on time.

Hikaru was leisurely reading the latest issue of Weekly Go when Sai loudly cleared his throat. This was such an unusual thing for the teen to do that it grabbed the older Go pro's full attention. He yanked down his paper and saw:

Sai.

His Sai. As was, in all his Heian glory. Black hat, white /kariginu/, puffy trousers, tabi'd feet.

Hikaru had gotten up at the throat clearing but now fell back onto to the soft couch.

'Sai?' He murmured.

The apparition smiled and held out his arm, with the yellow fan pointing towards Hikaru.

'Yes, it's me.' The ghost came forward, closing in on the shocked Go pro. And he walked around the coffee table, instead of through it. This simple fact jolted Hikaru out of his near stupor.

'Sai?' He asked, louder this time.

'Uhun,' his ex-foster son nodded and stopped before his ex-foster dad - that he had never called 'dad', nor 'father', only ever 'Hikaru'.

Having stopped between Hikaru legs, the young man knelt down, perching on the coffee table behind him, and leaned forward. His elegant hand - the one that was not holding the fan - slid forward out of the white sleeve of the /kariginu/, and cupped Hikaru's chin. Sai moved forward again and, tilting his head, touched his lips to Hikaru's. The touch was soft but brief. Hikaru didn't notice he'd closed his eyes until he opened them again and saw those amazing purple eyes flicker open close up in front of him. He ran the tip of his tongue over his lips where Sai had touched him.

'Wha- why?' he breathed.

'Because I've wanted to,' Sai smiled, letting his fingers glide along Hikaru's jaw.

'Uh,' Hikaru suddenly felt hot and cold. 'How long...?' He chided himself for asking such a inane question now of all times!

'Since I was 8 years old.' The beatific smile got bigger. He leaned forward again and when their lips touched this time, Sai pushed forward with confidence and opened his mouth. Hikaru took the invitation and used all his rather limited kissing skills to thoroughly explore the young man's mouth. Lack of air made them break apart.

'And you, how long?' Sai panted, resting his forehead on Hikaru's, trying to catch his breath.

Hikaru flinched as he remembered all the inappropriate thoughts he had directed at that infernal fake picture of a ghost. All that time he had told himself that thinking about the ghost that way was okay, that as it wasn't directed at the boy, it was acceptable, safe. But deep down he had known he was deluding himself; he was hopelessly in love with this living Sai, and had been for years.

Hikaru's shame made him try to pull away, but the former Heian noble would have none of it and stopped his retreat with the hand that had been caressing the older man's cheek now slipped behind his neck. Hikaru looked up into Sai's purple orbs in shock.

'I know,' Sai said. 'I've seen the picture you keep in your desk, and the small one in your wallet,' he added with an archaic smile. Hikaru tried to pull away once more, but to no avail.

'I've never stopped loving you,' Sai said, coming forward again with clear intentions of kissing him again.

'But...' Hikaru breathed, and then could not breathe for some minutes as Sai in his turn explored Hikaru's mouth.

~(O)~

It wasn't until some hours later that Hikaru got a chance to explain; something he felt he had to do. As Sai listened patiently, Hikaru muddled through his darkest thoughts that had been ignored for years. And when Hikaru was done and waited anxiously for Sai's verdict, the young man answered him with another thorough kiss.

It wasn't too long after that Hikaru got an answer to his question of why Sai had asked to be fostered instead of adopted. Sai told him, like it was totally self-evident, and yes in hindsight it was, that if Hikaru had adopted him Sai would have felt very awkward wanting to bed his own 'father'!

~(O)~

Note:

This story was written for the Hikaru no Go 'Blind Go' challenge #11. The challenge theme was _childhood_.  
There has been some rewrites in this version from the one for BG11.  
I've also written a second chapter, so do read on!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Bundle of joy  
>  Chapter 2: Dear diary**

**Bundle of joy  
Chapter 2: Dear diary**

MY HANDS ARE SIO SMAL, I CANNOP HOLD THE PEN WELL. I TRAI TO WRIT IN THE OLD CHINIS CHARACTRS, SO NONE CAN READ IP.

...

I get better wip the pen. I hope I can writ popper soon.

...

I have been practicing hard, but like holding the Go stones, this tiny body is not used to it. In my first life I didn't start writing or playing Go until I was six.

...

It is the strangest thing to be so small again. I don't remember much from my first time around, other than being bored. I think that is why my uncle taught me Go; to stop me fussing. I think it worked too. But then I really was a small child that had trouble sitting still, now it's quite different, now I have a grown up ability to concentrate even if my body is that of a child and tires easily.

...

Hikaru comes to the orphanage as often as he's allowed. I miss him when he's not here.

On the one hand I'm sorry he wasn't allowed to adopt me, but maybe it's better this way; he really is too young to be tied down with a child to care for. This is better; this way I can be his friend, plain and simple.

...

In the childhood of my first life I had no friends my own age. This was not unusual then, but in this modern age they take these things very seriously; they are convinced that not having friends your own age is not healthy.

I've already made one friend, she reminded me of one of my pupils from back then; shy and unassuming. And seemingly friendless. So I've befriended her and found that she is willing to play Go with me, what could be better?

I wasn't fooled for a minute; I could see she was so desperate to be included in the play she would have happily agreed to play any game I wanted, be it tag, kick the ball or Go. Turns out, with some work, she is able to learn the game fast enough. Ah, it's so nice to see I haven't lost my teaching touch, stuck in this small body.

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

...

Time goes so slowly. I wish it were Wednesday already, so Hikaru would come.

Watching him trying to hide in the bushes to get out of being tagged is always fun!

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

...

School is boring. We are doing _kana_ writing and basic arithmetic. Luckily the teacher lets me work on my own projects when I've finished the assignment early; as long as I'm quiet about it, she's satisfied. My hand writing is much improved; these modern ballpoint pens are amazing, but still I should consider asking Hikaru for a good thick brush and some nice rice paper so I can regain my skill at calligraphy, next time he's here.

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

...

We're going on an outing. Hikaru organized it; something about a roller coaster. I'm asking if my friends can come; you should have seen Toto's eyes pop when I told him and Keiko about it, so I wouldn't want to go without them!

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

...

I got to play Touya Akira today. I cannot express my delight. [kifu]

…

Hikaru vs. Touya A. [kifu]

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

...

Touya Meijin.

Touya Meijin Touya Meijin Touya Meijin Touya Meijin.

Oh I could write his name ten thousand times and still look for a clean bit of paper to start on another ten thousand.

[kifu] This time he won, but it is of no matter; we will play again and again! And win or lose, 'tis of no matter, for the Experience is the Glory; the shared search for the Divine Move! I fully believe we will find it, together.

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

…

Me vs. Touya A. [kifu]

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

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Me vs. Touya K. [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Touya A. [kifu]

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Me vs. Touya K. [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

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Me vs. Ogata [kifu]

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Me vs. Touya A. [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Waya [kifu]

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Me vs. Isumi [kifu]

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Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

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Me vs. Touya A. [kifu]

...

I have decided not to let my Go obsession come between Hikaru and myself. I do think it could, and thinking about it, I think that's what happened in my first life; I only lived for playing Go and when that was taken away from me I died. Not so here, not so now; I'll not make that mistake again!

...

I can see that Hikaru is happy to see me, as I am now, but also I see him looking at me wistfully, like something is missing. I tried to tell him I'm all here and sometimes he seems to believe that but then we see each other again after a few days and he treats me like a real child.

It's so easy to play the child; there are so much fewer questions I'm expected to know the answer to. It's so easy that I find myself playing the child with Hikaru too.

In our time together, before, apart from being a companion to Hikaru I was the teacher at times too, but not so now. In a strange way Hikaru doesn't accept me when I try to teach him something about Go. It hurts to see his rejection of me so I'm ashamed to say I've given up trying; I'd rather be what he can accept than hurt him for something he can't.

I so wish I was grown up again.

I hope that when I am Hikaru can accept all of me again.

…

[kifu file : 5]

…

[kifu file : 7]

...

It happened almost without me realizing, which is odd since I helped with the redecorating, but slowly Hikaru has transformed the place. It's not just the brighter colors but he also had something done about the draft in the boy's dorm and wonky plumbing in the girl's bathroom. I'm extremely grateful but the only way that Hikaru let me express it was by letting him feed me too much candy.

It was worth the painful tummy, though.

…

[kifu file : 7]

…

[kifu file : 3]

…

I hate Adoption Day.

It always ends with Keiko in tears at the end of the day and Toto sobbing in his pillow at night.

I do understand from a grown up point of view; Keiko is homely at best and Toto is not known for his smarts. But both are my dear dear friends and I love them the way they are, why can't some lovely couple do the same?

Well, maybe this time...?

...

I'm going to be childishly unreasonable about this: I'm not forgiving Nana-san for foisting me off on that couple on Adoption Day.

I fully intend to have a proper three-day sulk.

…

[kifu file : 8]

…

[kifu file : 10]

...

I'm to be an _insei_.

It's almost surreal how much I want that. Be an _insei_ first and then a pro!

…

[kifu file : 33]

...

[kifu file : 11]

…

[kifu file : 27]

…

Or maybe not a pro just yet.

First Shinoda-sensei and now Hikaru are against me taking part in the pro exam; they say I'm too small. Well maybe; I am literally the smallest one there.

And anyway, I do very much enjoy playing the other _insei_ even if I'm top of the class already. But still, I would have liked to become pro this year.

I'll not let my disappointment show though; Hikaru might get upset.

…

[kifu file : 4]

…

[kifu file : 35]

...

I'm oddly lonely in the _insei_ class; I miss playing Keiko. Oh, we still play but since I spend all my Sundays at the institute and sometimes Saturdays too, and the Saturdays I'm not at the institute I spend playing the Touyas at their club. And Wednesdays are all Hikaru's. I don't get to see her nearly as much as I see Toto, since he's in the bunk below me in the dorm. So I miss her.

At least when we play Go together, I can see her improving; I think she's playing someone else regularly, possibly Nana-san's brother Chiro-san, who does odd jobs around the house sometimes. I played him a couple of times before I became an _insei,_ not bad. And of course she's playing Hikaru, well sometimes anyway.

…

[kifu file : 3]

…

[kifu file : 7]

...

Keiko is good enough to become an _insei_.

I think.

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

...

Yes! Keiko can join the _insei_ class! Thank you, Hikaru!

It'll be so much fun with her there; we can conspire 'us against them' like we used to!

…

[kifu file : 17]

[kifu file : 55]

...

'Arithmetic sucks'

There. I can write that in perfect calligraphy but I can't actually follow the subject.

It's so different from my own time in school; back then it was reading and writing the Chinese _kanji_ , in poetic calligraphy and everyday hand, and learning the musical arts of the _fue_ and the _biwa_. What would a nobleman want with arithmetic? Nothing, that's what; it's a subject for lackeys and merchants*!

…

[kifu file : 22]

Me vs. Touya K. [kifu]

…

[kifu file : 44]

...

I've been thinking long and hard about the future. It's true I don't have to worry about having to go to the Big Orphanage for another year yet, but soon it will be Keiko's and Toto's turn.

This must not be; I must do something!

…

Me vs. Keiko [kifu]

...

I've looked up what options are out there; there seem to be three:  
1\. Adoption  
2\. Fostering  
3\. Apprenticeship

Keiko is a sensitive girl and I think it would be best if she got adopted; she needs the security adoption would give her. There MUST be some family out there who will want a nice girl like her!

Toto is a boisterous boy (he reminds me of Hikaru, when I first met him), and he's not too worried about security, just about having a good productive time. He's really good with his hands; he's been helping Chiro-san for a while now, and he makes the nicest wooden animal figurines. I think he should apprentice somewhere with a master craftsman.

As for myself, I certainly don't want to go to the Big Orphanage. And the reason I didn't mind going into this little one has since passed; Hikaru is now 20 years old and I will be 10 when we move in together. The question remains: under what header will we live together?

I have to be honest with myself. I love Hikaru. Oddly enough it wasn't until I came back as a child and watched Hikaru become a man that I realized how deep my affection went; my body may be that of a child but my affections are not. I remember from my first life what it was like to to fall in love. At that time, so long ago, my love was fruitless; class distinctions kept me from ever telling my love anything. It hurt to keep my love secret, but in that time and place it was the right thing to do. However I know it cost me; now in hindsight I realize the hole in my heart that had been created by my unrequited love, tainted the rest of my life with a melancholy that made the loss of my position as Go tutor weigh even more heavily.

Hindsight. In hindsight, after I lost my job, I could have gone south to Osaka; it was known that there were many nobles and samurai that were playing Go at a decent level. But the sadness had been allowed to eat at my soul for years and my zest for life had all but seeped out of me.

I don't remember going into the water; I had left the Gate to the palace at Heian-Kyo and the next thing I remember was being in the water almost up to my neck. I remember still wanting to play Go. Right at the end that single desire overrode everything else, even that hole in my heart was filled with it! And that is what brought me back to my ghostly half-life, that fierce longing for the game.

Well, Hikaru's wish for my return brought me back to a full life again and I am determined that this time my love shall not go unexpressed! The question is not 'if', it is 'when' and 'how'!

And then I look in the mirror, as I do every morning when combing my hair, and I'm still only 9 years old. Why? Why must I wait to grow up? But I know why; Hikaru doesn't see me as his Sai. Not yet. I think.

But I dare not ask. For fear of being rejected. For fear he might not feel as I do. No, I have to believe he's waiting for me to grow up; anything else is just unthinkable.

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

...

It must be fostering, not adoption. If Hikaru adopted me he'd be my legal father for the rest of both our lives. If that were the case I could never admit my love and that will not do!

No, it must be fostering, because fostering will keep me out of the Big Orphanage and it will end they day I turn 18. After that day I can tell Hikaru the truth and what may happen after can happen unimpeded.

…

[kifu file : 34]

[kifu file : 66]

...

Is it wrong of me to want to play unlimited Go AND have my love too?

…

[kifu file : 55]

…

[kifu file : 78]

...

Chiro-san found Toto an apprenticeship! It's with the _bento_ box maker like I had hoped it would be. Very nice man; Toto will like him, I think.

…

[kifu file : 17]

[kifu file : 32]

...

Adoption Day again.

All ye spirits out there that desire the happiness of innocent children, be with me today and help me get Keiko adopted, for this could be her very last chance!

...

Thank you, Hikaru, you really did it! I tried so hard with the Yamamoto couple, but I think it was Hikaru's talk with Mr. Yamamoto that clinched it.

Of course it'll be on a trial basis first, but I know once they get to know her, they won't let her go.

I told Hikaru I was ready to get fostered. I expected him to object and demand a full adoption, but he he didn't. I'm not too sure what to make of that; does it show a waning affection for me, or is he merely doing what I want, because I want it?

It will mean more exams for him to take. I do remember he was never very fond of written exams (and now that I have to take them, I feel his pain), but he was willing to do the course to be able to take us children out, so I'm hoping he'll do this for me too.

I feel guilty to presume on his generosity like this; I'm humbled that he acquiesced without a murmur.

…

[kifu file : 28]

[kifu file : 65]

...

I sit and wait for Hikaru to come pick me up; my bag is packed, I'm going home with Hikaru today.

I am both sad and happy. Happy for my new life with Hikaru, but sad to leave this stage of my life behind.

In my first life my childhood was abandoned when we moved from the country to the imperial court at Heian-Kyo. I was 11 summers old. Mother and Father were very eager for the move because of the rise in status. The opportunity was instigated by Uncle who had arranged for me, the child Go prodigy, to be introduced at court. I felt the responsibility heavily on my shoulders; if the emperor did not like me enough to give me a job at court, my family and I would have to return to the countryside in disgrace.

Now I feel different; I have no pressure to succeed at anything (except the pro exam, but there I know what to expect). I have done here what I wanted to do; grown up enough not to be a burden on Hikaru and seen my friends off on their new life.

I miss Keiko already and she's only been gone 3 months. We do see each other though; her parents bring her on Wednesdays. I hope Hikaru will let me play her in the future.

I will miss Toto. He's not gone far, but we will never be as close as we were, which is as it should be with time passing, but it still saddens me.

I will miss all the other children, and Nana-san and cook-san, and Chiro-san. I will miss the play yard and the craft room, and the dorms. The shower room, not so much; it was always cold.

I will miss the curtains on the window nearest my bed. I will miss my bed.

But Hikaru promised me I could pick out new curtains and a new bed; I think that that will go a long way in shaking my sadness over leaving the children home.

In a way I'm growing up by leaving here and moving in with Hikaru.

If only my body would grow too; I'm still the smallest in my class at school! Even the girls are bigger!

…

[kifu file : 28]

[kifu file : 67]

...

Living with Hikaru is wonderful. He's treating me more like an adult than ever before. Even though he still won't take real lessons from me, playing him everyday for hours is really much like old times. And I do manage to squeeze some _shidogo_ in without him noticing, so there.

And he's letting me sit for the next pro exam!

…

[kifu file : 28]

[kifu file : 34]

…

[kifu file : 27]

...

It's great to finally be a pro, even if I don't get to take part in the games until April next. That's another 7 months, how will I cope? At least there will be the _shinshodan_ game in January. I wonder who will be my opponent.

…

[kifu file : 34]

…

[kifu file : 54]

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[kifu file : 66]

...

It's Ogata.

This will be interesting.

I'll need to study his _kifu_ carefully.

Even if I've played him before at the Touya club, but this will be different.

…

[kifu file : 17]

…

[Shinshodan kifu]

...

It's that acursed reversed _kumi_! It makes it impossible to play an even game, and he knew it! I think he threw the game; just wasn't serious! He's angered me greatly; I refuse to be just brushed of with a toy game like that!

I will get my revenge.

…

[kifu file : 23]

…

Me vs. Touya K. [kifu]

...

I've started junior high.  
I've looked over the books for this year; it should take me a week to finish off the language and /kanji/ books, so that's good. But 'arithmetic' has changed names and is now called 'calculus', and the book looks incomprehensible to me.

I can't do this!

What ever shall I do?

…

[kifu file : 13]

...

I found a picture of me in Hikaru's desk when I was looking for some _kifu_ paper.

It both is and isn't a picture of me; it's not me as I am now, an 11 year old short kid, but it can't have been taken when I was a ghost; ghosts don't photograph well.

But it looks like my reflection in the silver mirror in my family's quarters in the capital, a thouand years ago. Most odd.

…

Me vs. Hikaru [kifu]

...

I'm stupid! I live in the modern world and always I keep forgetting its abilities! That picture is a computer manipulation, of course!

But why would Hikaru have had it made?

...

Hikaru also carries a tiny version of **that** picture in his wallet.

…

[kifu file : 56]

…

[kifu file : 2] 2 wins.

...

Hikaru found out I'm flunking calculus, big time.

I'm in trouble at school, I know, but I can't help I just suck at it!

(Oh good grief, if Uncle saw me write words like these, he'd have a switch to my backside in no time flat!)

…

[kifu file : 5]

[kifu file : 1] 1 win.

...

I'm to have a special math tutor.

It's because I'm 'highly intelligent and therefore can't join the regular tutoring class' the principal says.

It's because I'm 'such a dumb dimwit that in the regular tutoring class I'd hold the others back' my classmates say.

I don't know what to believe. I feel stupid and misserable.

...

I made a new friend today, I think.

His name is Shuu and he also is privately tutored by Moto-sensei!

...

More good news; the way Moto-sensei explains calculus I think I can grasp it!

In one lesson we did all of books one and two of arithmatic, and the first 2 chapters of Junior High Calculus Year 1. And I understood every word; I'm so amazed!

I told Hikaru and he wasn't suprised at all, he said 'I told you so' and yes he had, I'll admit.

…

(for kifu see dir 'kifu')

Oteai: 2 wins.

...

When will I finally start to grow? I'm still the smallest in the class. I remember from the first time around that I suddely grew taller, but I don't remember exactly when.

Oh, the waiting!

...

Oteai: 5 wins

2-dan reached

…

I saw Hikaru look at the picture today. It's my 'birthday', though it isn't really. In my own time there was no tradition of birthdays; I don't even know on which day of the year I was born. Spring, I think, but I don't know it any more precise than that.

My birthday is usually a sedate affair; sweets for breakfast and a small party after school or Go with Keiko, Toto and Shuu, and Touya Akira Meijin and Waya 4-dan and Isumi 4-dan, if they were available. I like it this way, friends and Go, what more could you want?

But when I saw Hikaru look at that picture (he wasn't aware that I saw him, nor will I tell him) he looked so sad. Like there was something missing. Like... like there was a hole in his heart.

Does he miss me? The 'big' me, I mean?

Have I changed too much while living in this modern world?

When I'm grown up enough, will I still be that Sai?

Oh spirits above, let me be that same Sai!

...

Now that I've licked calculus, Junior High is actually fun.

I'm tutoring the Go club here, getting them ready for the Inter-Junior High Championship. Especially the girls' team is a real contender this year!

The principal wants me to consider transfering to Kaio school, saying that that is where the gifted children go. But I like Haze; the teachers here let me do as many projects outside of the curriculum as I want (I just love history and costuming!) And since I already have a career and therefore don't need to cram for college exams, I'm not under presure at all to accomplish anything.

And now that I've 'busted' calculus, I don't feel the need to accomplish anything scholastic.

…

3- dan reached.

Entering Juudan & Honinbou tournaments

…

Juudan won.

(That makes me an instant 10-dan, cool!)

…

Qualified for 2nd level in Honinbou.

…

Finally! I'm growing!

Boy, I'm growing fast!

In less than 6 months I've gained 30 cm! I had to buy all new clothing, 'cause nothing fits anymore. And my bones ache. Now that's happening again I remember that from my first life too.

...

I'm taller than Hikaru now. Not by too much, but visibly taller.

…

I think I will go on with school and do Senior High. I know Shuu's going, and I'd like to go with him. Maybe I can study calculus while he studies art. Urg, maybe not; I like a challenge, but maybe that would be too much.

Or maybe I could pick _kanji_ calligraphy as a major; it'll give me more time for having fun.

...

Keiko give me a kitten for my birthday, so _kawaii_ **!

I saw Hikaru looking at the picture again too. He didn't see me, I made sure.

Soon, Hikaru, soon. I promise.

...

Now that I'm 17 I want to prepare. A whole year seems long but there is much to do.

...

Shuu has received a scholarship to study in America. It's wonderful of course, but he'll be gone for at least 4 years!

...

Sorting out paper work.

The speed of bureaucracy has not changed in 1000 years.

...

Keiko is invited to Korea for a year.

I think I'm jealous.

...

I've been in invited to come teach in China for a year.

Turned them down. I want to be here when Hikaru is ready to see me as 'big' Sai again. That really outweighs the pleasures of teaching Go in China.

And anyway, who would take care of little Kuroneko, since Hikaru always forgets to leave out enough water!

...

I'm getting nervous now; what if turning 18 is not enough to trigger Hikaru?

I need more. I need to plan!

...

My birthday was good but a little sad in the goodbyes that had to be made.

I was pleasantly surprised at Hikaru's present; he gave me equal share in the house.

Am I reading too much in this, or does he want me to stay with him as an adult?

I'm so glad I turned down that China offer.

...

I had hoped the termination of fostering papers would have arrived by now! And, not to mention, my fitted costume! Darn, I should have made the costume myself; it would have been faster. But I couldn't risk Hikaru stumbling upon it early.

...

Finally! I got the papers, delivered to me at the institute as I had requested. I'm now officially an adult, with no ties to anyone. And now everybody knows it.

I wish I could have toasted the fact with Shuu or Keiko, but my mirror image in the institute's washroom will have to do.

...

Dear diary, much can happen in a single day.

My plan with the costume worked; I could see it in his eyes when he saw me dressed as I once was.

First we kissed, then we talked, and then we kissed some more.

Hikaru felt the need to explain himself, but I have long understood how he both missed and loved the 'big' me and how he deeply loved the 'little' me. I know that both are the same of course and I hope Hikaru can figure this out soon as well, and let go of any thoughts of wrong doing. Hikaru did not, nor ever could, do me wrong!

As for myself. I have kept my own promise and told my love how I felt. In declaring love one cannot always get love declared in return, I know that very well, so I am very fortunate I find my love returned in full measure. I now know Hikaru loves me as much as I, since my rebirth, loved him.

I've done my best to make our love possible within the bounds of convention, but unlike in my first life I will not let convention come between us; once was enough.

This time I aim to be happy together with my love, and for both of us to grow very old being just that!

~End~

 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

 

* No nobleman needed to be able to do more than add  
& subtract in the Heian period, and so Sai wasn't taught more than that.

** kawaii = cute

Author's whinging:

All the official sounding stuff about orphanages, adoption trail periods and fostering exams etc. are purely made up. I didn't do any research what so ever. Wouldn't even know where to start, because this kind of info is only available in Japanese. So I just wrote what sounded good.

More whinging:

I'm now officially at war with my spell checker; for some reason it refuses to spel check the second half of this chapter.  
I've tried my best to catch all mistakes by hand, but I'm very likely to have failed, so excuse any misspellings, please!  
edit: Thanks to Tuulikki I've already been able to fix some typos! X &3 !  
And I noticed I lost my formatting, again. It seems I'm destined to go out into the world unformatted!

edit: About formatting: I shall not try to format ever again as it just makes stuf go funny or disaprear, and makes me go all chibi and bawl my eyes out. This also includes the notes options on AO3. Live with it, I have to.

Dont forget to reveiw!


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